My Open Letter to YOU, This is The Story Of My Whole Life, Still Ongoing…

Insights from the mind of an extreme soloist, my life as a Non-expressive male

Hello Friends,

I Hope this letter meets you well, i’m new here on substack but i feel this platform will help me express myself better…

This is my first letter, expect more to follow as i will be sharing my Journey, life experiences, lessons, perceptions, idealogies, thinking and my whole mindset shifts on Substack…

Firstly i’d like to say it’s a pleasure to share here with you, for me its going to be a Hard pill to swallow, because i’m coming out Naked and bare skinned for the world to see…

Since its not something i’m used to, normally i’m the kind of guy thats used to keeping my feelings and thinking bottled up inside and to be sincere

I’m finding it hard right now to express it all in this writing, i’m not used to sharing, so i’m learning to put myself and talents out there

So this is cheers to the start of a writing career, i’m learning and i’ll get better…

But i’m going to try, i mean what do i have to lose that i’m not already losing.

So i’m going to bleed unto this pages, peel back layers of myself, try to be vunerable This is going to be a long Read so depending on where i’m cut off i’ll Continue at another letter…

Ok here we go, this is my story…

I’ll introduce myself again, My names are Oluwatobi Efeoghene Adebisi

You can call me Tobs, Tobi, Or Lawrence which ever catches your fancy

As a Nigerian, I hail from Osun state, Grew up Delta state with my Mom and siblings, in a Township Around Udu local government, we call DSC (Delta steel Company) although now non-Operational, i’v stayed in Samaru and the Shell quarters.

The first-born son of Four children, a Junior brother after me and Two Junior sisters

Although Not the first son of my Dad, as my father took a second wife and had us…

I’v always had the Talk of being a leader and leading my siblings, be the Perfect Son, the Good one, my Dad would say you have to work hard as he didn’t want any of his children to beg each other and for Everyone to be well off..

No enemity, just all Love and achievements from all his children, he could talk my ears off for days about his other children and their exploits, i was constantly compared to my half siblings and how intelligent they were at my Age brackets.

And they indeed turned out well, five children all intellectually sound and doing well in school, in life

And so i had this pressure to measure up, i should not fail, i will not fail.

In my tiny brain as a child that meant not making trouble for my parents and being a bad influence on my siblings, i wanted to live up to those expectations, go to school, get good grades, keep your head down, don’t make trouble for other’s, be respectful, stay humble….

This was the drill For me, but i got it all wrong, hearing my father laud praises on my half siblings lit a fire in me, they were like Greek God’s to me and they could never go wrong, though i’d never seen them i looked up to them

And as is any yoruba elder or older person, respect is non-negotiable, you have to bow your heads, lie down, don’t talk back, greet…

So i felt like i was already under, i had my work cut out for me to try and impress my father and my half siblings, live up to that legacy they set in the mind of my father

“Why does he talk about them so much? How can i be better, be the best, be perfect, why doesn’t he see me?”  i would ask myself these questions i demand perfection and nothing less…

But perfection as you may know or not, is a myth

But my little child brain didn’t catch that, it felt like a competition for me of who can outdo who

I can’t tell you right now who put that ideology in me, for me as a child. being mysterious, never revealing, dead staring individuals, i mean its all in the Eyes that can melt anybody and make people fear you as well as respect you

I thought it was cool, being a quiet, reserved, and calculative person, hard to read or get a reaction out of, to me it was Equal to being “SMART”

Maybe i watched one too many cartoons of those qualities in heroes, or maybe in those action movies the adults in the house forbidded us from watching as children

But with our curious mind we found a way, sneaking up behind curtains and watched, maybe thats where i picked it up

I can’t even tell, but it felt cool, until it became the rest of my life

So i vowed to take on that characteristics traits as a young growing child, and i kid you not as a child 4-5years to be that person, to be smart, to be dangerous and daring, to make my dad and Family proud of me

I chose the kind of person i wanted to be in the future without even thinking of the repercussions

Come to think about it, what was i even going to think about at that age, it felt like i was playing, like a game, it felt cool, Heroes and big successful people are cool right?

And they never make a mistake, or even fart out their Asses

And that was the beginning of my failure, The kind of family i lived in made it easy to be that person

We were not allowed to mingle much, mostly locked at home

Not make friends with the street kids, although they later let loose their grip, i think it was far too late for me, because i already had a made up mind every other person was beneath for me, and they didn’t measure up to the kind of person i was to become.

It was all wake up, brush your teeth, bath,eat,  get ready for school, go to school and learn, get back and Read in the house

When i finally got the chance and played i fell in love with the only sport common with the boys back then in the streets of Samaru, where i first stayed before i we moved on, FOOTBALL was life…

I played football, watched football, i was’t interested in the statistics of it, Just loved keeping the ball at my feet, that was my only mind therapy

Guess what?

Till today, its still one of my favourite thing to do, one of my Hobbies, play football, watch movies and series, Animes, and that’s it, i never agreed to learn anything else.

Footbal and TV, if i wasn’t playing, i was watch Football on the TV or watching Movies.

My Dad played a huge role in who i am today, i would i say he made it easier for me to become this person

Don’t get me wrong, i don’t hate him, growing up into a young adult i see now that life isn’t all that it seems

The responsiblities and bills you have to keep up with, i’v had to see it first hand the sacrifice my Dad and mum put in for me to be where i am today

To put food on my table, to clothe me, to train me through school to have a decent education.

I’m greatful to both parents, my dad had to be the tight grip, the disciplinarian, the voice of the people, everything you expect of a dominant father, his rules stands and nothing else comes in place. I was brought up to listen, and  not how to speak up more, have opinions, suggestions, or express any form of thinking that challenges the status quo.

And i feared Him, deeply, i guess most of us have this experience with nigerian parents

They work so hard to give us a life, so we survive, but Never had the chance to connect with us on an emotional level, so for both parents while i can at least talk to mum and express a little, my Mum is still Hardcore, a no-nonsense woman, she’s a primary school teacher but still i dare not talk thrash or misbehave, funny, playful, and a little embracing than Dad, i say a little because i can’t express deeply or say my mind like this to any of my family member’s they would have given me encouragements and use the bible verses to scold me if i ever had an evil thought

But that was it, no warm embraces or hugs, or kisses i mean we can all agree that’s white people shit right?

Hahaha, i see you laughing, well we grew up in Nigeria

And unless your family  is well to do financially or already built generational wealth and isn’t worried about bills that they could spare to worry about your emotional state of mind, Please don’t Judge me.

I do know  there are parents  in Nigeria, that are sweet and are emotionally tuned to the needs of their children, so cherish them and be thankful to God for yours

It just wasn’t in my family, No kisses and hugs for us, thats how we were trained and brought up, sadly…

So for me it was just talks of consequences of my actions and “God said in his words” and remember even though i could speak and they were urging me to say my mind, i dare not speak or say my true mind, i was scared of the talk that came from my dad after that, He could go om for hours if not the whole day, and i wouldn’t hear the end of it.

And as you know we humans we lie a lot, so we decieve and fool everyone including ourselves

So when someone asks “ Are you fine?” “How are you?”

You should expect to find two liars, one who is just making small talks and doesn’t give two fucks how you are, but out of social ethics is compelled to ask 

And the other person who already knows what to say based on social ethics and because he knows “Nobody cares”  says “I’m fine, i’m doing good, i’m doing great.”  And in doing so lies to the other person and deludes his/herself, because if he gives an Honest answer and expresses his/herself “Emotionally” the questionnier Regrets ever asking and in his mind is like;

“Guy Guy, wetin concern me, Na only you get problem? If i tell you wetin dey do me like this ehn, you go pity me self dash me Money, my problems bulku”

And those who genuinely want to know and connect don’t still get much  from the conversation, because the other party is skeptical about opening up to a total stranger and having their feelings dismissed…

The Mindset programming is that “Nobody really cares”  so i’d rather keep my probems to myself and Tell no one, solve my problems on my own and keep it moving, so yeah yeah……..”i’m fine and you?”

Oooh if you have’t guessed by now, i come from a strong christian home, both mom and dad, my Dad is the extreme one though, Mum is just there

As for we the kids i will say we are just there, i mean we believe in God, i pray too, and judge me or not i do know some verses of the bible, hahaha

I would probably need to take a peak at the verse i just quoted to be sure, i used to be Good at memorizing scripture verses but right now….NAHhhhh.

my dad i was told was a buisnessman although can’t say i believe that now, that was the story my mum cooked up while growing up, and i never questioned it, also didn’t have the balls or iota of confidence to ask dad…

Bills had to be paid, they had to take loans and take other odd jobs or source of income to keep their family afloat. Am greatful for the show of love my parents gave to make sure i was comfortable and i got the things one needs in life, they did their best with what they knew to raise me to the best of their capabilities and for that i’m blessed to have them.

PS; i’ll stop here for now, don’t want this letters to be too long and exhausting, expect the story continuation in my coming letters, bye for now.